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Dear Ed archive
September 2009
Dear Ed
Since I began my freelance editing career five years ago I've found your column immensely helpful. However, there is one problem that's weighing heavily on me; in fact, I am weighing heavily on me!
I can't seem to do my best work without something to nibble, and as the jobs pour in, so has my hankering increased for the finest quality comestibles to inspire me through my working hours. For example, Cadbury's just doesn't satisfy any more - it has to be organic and fairtrade. But a single bar will no longer suffice and I've found the need to set up an account with the importer, as well as my local patisserie and David Jones, who luckily all deliver as it is now problematic leaving the house via the door.
I find my office furniture no longer fits and I require the largest size of pyjamas; sorry, I mean work clothes. Even my husband has noticed my excess avoirdupois. Now a client has requested a meeting at his office in a fortnight and won't take no for an answer. What should I do?
Lucida Grande
Dear Lucida
Anyone who can serve up avoirdupois and comestibles in one letter has my immediate attention. Ah, yes: avoirdupois. Typical of the Brits to steal a word from the French then apply it to an entire system of measurement when all it means is 'having weight'.
But let's get down to tintacks. Have you considered replacing the front wall of your home with a Roll-A-Door? It would allow ease of access without impinging on your intake of quality antioxidants. I say this in all seriousness as there are three things I cannot live without: coffee, chocolate and sleep.
If that doesn't work, try shock therapy: change the font you use on your documents and emails to Helvetica Neue Ultralight. Looking at all those stick-thin ascenders and descenders all day will speed up your thyroid gland, and the extra energy used up in trying to get your eyes to focus on them will soak up extra kilojoules without you knowing it.
And if that doesn't work, I suggest that you change your name to Lucy Stick, as often our names map out our destinies. You never know, there could be something in it.
Cheers
Big Ed